The truth and the lying truth.

The best lie is the truth. So, I hope you keep lying on me and of course I’ll keep believing in you. Because there is no such thing as “right moment” for you to tell me when you do. But I know, I still love you, I do. Before, now and then, not so much different for me and you.

(mcm lagu BEP la pulak)

Now I know, aku dah besar. Aku bukan budak2 dah, macam dulu2, dapat duit from makcik2 aku. Balik rumah maktok ja, mesti dapat angpaw, tak kira lah hari raya ka, hari deepavali ka, hari Isnin or hari2 biasa yang lain. Maybe life is not easy as it may seem to be. Macam mana lah agaknya tahun depan lepas aku graduate? dan tahun2 berikutnye.

Hurt

Sometime i speak to myself,

What did i do,
what do i do,
where the wrong things go to,

to deserve something like this,
to get even worse than this,
to remember something beast,

i vow for a reason,
i desire to change things,
and i hope for nothing
and is this the end of everything?

So many times,
you’ve hurt me,
and so many times,
i’ve hurt you,
by speaking out something that’s no one know the truth,

you broke my heart into two,
but happy memories reminds me of you,
thus everytime i just forgave you,
and loving you more true.
yet i still love you.

Fall

Takut. Takut dengan my own future or takut dengan my future future life? hmm berbeze tu. Let’s talk about me. not about other people around me. Less than 2 days left before the fall classes start. I’m a junior right now and taking engm 221 at the junior year sounds soooo crazy. Lagi-lagi dengan hardcore courses that gonna come along with it. Tak lupe jugak dengan project2 for the senior year coming soon. One of the courses that i gonna take this fall is environmental engineering. Maybe course paling susah for the whole four years. and it costs me about 194 dollars just to buy it’s textbook. Tak tawu lagi how am i gonna get the value of 194 dollars back from the book. Aku beli sesuatu, aku hendakkan at least “something” kelak. Macam lesen memancing aku. In US, lesen tu benda wajib kene ade kalau nak memancing. and gonna cost you about 28 dollars. So, i bought it for 28 dollars at this one store near Vandy and looking forward to fishing for fishes that gonna value at least 28 dollars. haha. and sekarang? dah berbaloi. okay sudah. ckup for fishing at tennessee. maybe next month or next two or three months later baru aku memancing balik. Gonna let myself busy with this fall classes first, that’s my first priority right now.

Hmm, talking bout my own future, actually i don’t know what to do either sambung study ke level masters or terus keja. entah la yang mane lebih bagus, yang mane yang akan membawa aku ke jalan yang lebih cerah and even more brighter. cam lebih kurang jek? haha. at my first taught mmg nak sambung master je lepas nih, architecture maybe? entah la. malas nak menulis, sambung tdo, nak kena bangun awal 11am? practice for the spotlight event.

**R

dan itulah dia. i don’t wanna start the drama because i know, i gonna ended up lose at the end. she is the girl and i am the man. yeah yeah yeah. her chatting with someone else is much more fun in this world. who am i gonna stop her from doing that? i’m not a married man. so i have to give more SPACE to her for her to enjoy her life. she can chat with her x because? oh because her ex got this aura that attracts her. ah. i am fed up with this. mengata dulang paku serpih, mengata orang dia yang terlebih-lebih. one day kate “bodoh gila perempuan tuh! dah break up dah sudah la.” and the other day pulak, alaaaaaa, rindu la pulak ayat-ayat cinta my x. nak chat la. kejap2 aku bukak skype aku, tengok die online ke tak. oh, alamakkkk die x online la pulak… hmm, takpe la.. boleh tengok website die.. www.x.com

sedih… maybe i am the one who is emo. tapi for sure i cannot understand her no more. what she did tomorrow is not gonna be the same as the future to come. i know her as the one who is not gonna share a secret that involves her and someone else. i still remembered that! when she said that to me, late night at second floor of Jacob’s Hall. I do still remembered that! but now, it is even more than just a friend. i ended up being her boyfriend right now and so, i taught, my secret gonna be even more safe with her as long as it involves two people, me (now her boyfriend) and her. and i taught everything that i told her are secrets that i don’t wanna her to share with somebody else. for God’s sake, at least please at least, at least! ask me before you told somebody else. first, kak Min. ya Allah. aku nak bunuh diri je hari tu. tak tawu nak cakap ape. hate that i love you. tapi ex-best friend hari tu buzz la pulak, chit chat and just because he reminds me that i still in love with you. i don’t commit suicide. next, “kak long fatin dah tawu semue” (((( kak long fatin tahu everything “before you met with me” is okay! but after you met me is not okay! i cannot accept that! you gave a reason oh, kak long fatin dah kenal 18 tahun dah. tapi 18 tahun yang dulu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not your 18 tahun akan datang. not your 2 years here being with me! till today i cannot accept that, you sharing your secret AND MY SECRET! with somebody else that i don’t even know, i don’t even met, just knowing her, her name, fatin. but still i keep reminding myself that i still love you, i love you a lot that these things not gonna be the end of us. and hoping that there is no more people or somebody else who gonna be the fourth person to know about us. omg, sir hilmi. hmm….

and i keep reminding myself, as long as she is happy, i will also be happy.

6 bulan

panjanggg cerite si dia tu. tapi skali bace, skali dengar, memang pelik dengan perangai Fatin tu. yang si Wan tu pulak, entah la makhluk ape yang sangat penyabar hatinye. kalau-la aku si lelaki, menggantikan tempat kamu si perempuan ketika itu, pasti aku tidak salah-kan si Wan. Ape ke hal si Wan nak mengamok dan memberontak awal pagi? saje2 suke2? entah la, bukanlah aku untuk salah-kan mana2 pihak. Tapi, kalau betul la pun si Wan itu memberontak, dia sebenarnya yang layak memberontak, bukan si Fatin, kan? at last, Wan tetap lelaki. KALAH dan lupa (mungkin) hal sebenar yang berlaku. sorry la mungkin aku yang tak paham the real story. tapi at last, Wan yang minta maaf? kenape? kenape? kenape? Wan dalam erti kate lain, hanye la ingin mengetahui perkara sebenar. tapi tidak kesampaian. berakhir dengan tragedi untuk menyelamatkan si Fatin dari memberontak. titik noktah.

masih tak mengenal hati budi mereka

papa masih sayang mama?

sayang kenal papa sebagai seorang yang sanggup duduk teman mama kat rumah dari lepak ke warung kopi tengok bola. bagi papa, bola bukanlah sukan yang papa minat. kalau waktu tu diego maradona buat lipatan gunting pun, papa tak heran. papa lagi sanggup luangkan masa dengan mama memancing memegang joran. kalau hari tu dapat ikan pun tidak, papa tak mudah putus asa. membawa mama ke tempat baru untuk memancing sudah menjadi adat biasa bagi papa. kalau bukan di bawah jambatan, pulau jerejak lah jadinya.

ingat lagi sayang waktu dulu papa bawak mama jalan jalan pegi pasar malam. papa buat muka tak malu pegang tangan mama walaupun orang padang “slack” semacam. papa tunduk ja sehari berjalan dengan muka merah padam.

ada satu masa tu, waktu adik sayang nak lahir, papa sanggup mintak cuti dari bos papa. papa kata, kalau tak dapat gaji pun, lantak lah, hal dunia. papa cakap mama mengandung sarat tunggu nak lahirkan adik baru. bila sampai ja masa, papa terus tak hiraukan sayang dan abang, kami. kami duduk lah rumah berdua-duaan. ingat lagi sayang waktu tu baru darjah tiga, nak gosok baju sekolah pun mama yang buatkan. tapi hari tu, bila sayang bangun, papa dan mama tak ada. papa teman mama pegi masuk hospital. yang kami ni, bersepah-sepah duduk bersiap pegi sekolah pakai baju berkedut-kedut.

hari makin hari, perasaan kami makin membenci. papa sayang kan mama lebih dari papa sayang kan kami. dengan rasa tidak bersalah, kami lari dari rumah, amik bas no 18, pegi naik feri, masuk pulau. yang mama pulak risau la sangat takut kami kena culik ke apa. dah nak buat report polis dah, tapi papa halang mama. papa kata, papa paham sangat perangai kami. tapi memang paham pun, papa memang tahu ke mana kami lari, akhirnya papa bawa mama balik kampung, memang sah ke situ la kami lari dari rumah. sampai kat rumah tok, mama peluk kuat-kuat badan kami yang tengah buat-buat tidur masa tu, takut kena rotan dengan papa. papa buat-buat tak risau. papa “cool” ja, layan kopi kat ruang tamu tengok berita tv3.

esok, bangun pagi, papa dah siap pegang rotan kat luar rumah. memang sah, kami pun paham papa jugak. papa memang garang, tapi tak lah sekejam papa jahat yang lain. pagi tu, sehari suntuk papa bagi ceramah kat kami. punya la papa cakap panjang lebar berbuih-buih mulut papa sampai nak rak melebihi khutbah Jumaat, kami ni berdiri terjegat kat situ tak paham apa2. yang sayang ingat, papa cakap, papa buat keja papa. yang kami ni pulak, kena la buat keja kami. setiap orang ada tanggungjawab masing-masing. yang rotan tu pulak, papa cakap papa nak rotan kami. dua-dua orang kena rotan, tapi padahal, rasa macam angin ja.

sepuluh tahun kemudian, aku di sini. menanti dan mendengar berita yang telah di tentukan oleh Illahi. walaupun sebak di hati, aku tetap mengharungi jalan bersendiri.

papa dan mama tetap papa dan mama.
sayang tetap sayang papa dan mama.

S untuk saya, M untuk mereka

Rindu, takut dan seram bila jumpa dengan orang macam tu. Orang yang mukanya tak penah hilang cahaya, tak pernah pula terlepas bersujud meng-agungkan yang Maha Esa. Aku rasa aku pernah berada di jalan itu,,, tetapi tidaklah terlalu teguh sebagaimana si dia yang nampaknya istiqamah seperti biasa.

Sejuk tangan memegang, sejuk lagi hati memandang. aku terpegun termenung orang yang wujud jasadnya, tapi entahlah pergi kemana roh-nya. aku sendiri. kalau ia pun aku dapat memutar masa, aku tak tahu la pulak aku akan menjadi sesuatu yang lain, lain daripada aku yang sekarang. abah pernah beritahu, sesuatu yang berlaku itu adalah ketentuan Illahi. kena redha. tapi hala tuju aku, nampaknya bukan kepada redha, bahkan menentang arus perjalanan lurus yang patut aku halui.

hidup memang susah, lagi2 kalau berjiran-kan dengan yahudi. tapi hakikatnya, ilmu dan pelajaran sepatutnya boleh dicari sendiri. sebab kalau dah cukup besar tu, takkan la nasi pun nak disuapkan mama, dan baju digosokkan oleh papa? dan sedangkan buku setebal 1326 muka surat pun boleh di belek2 jadi rujukan tiap2 hari, al-Quran pulak menjadi hiasan tatapan tiap2 pagi. entah tatap kulit pun tidak pa.

Yassin yang tiap2 hari khamis baca, sekarang ni tukar tulis blog bagi org baca. dulu kalau tiap2 malam solat hajat ja, kali ni lompat pi parti sini sana. haha, bodoh!

Happy New Year

Someone might think that you’re sitting and someone might think that you’re thinking… 

Sad story

10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called “best friend”. I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn’t notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said “thanks” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said “thanks” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick” she said; he’s not going to go well, I didn’t have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as “best friends”. So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn’t think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said “I had the best time, thanks!” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, “you’re my best friend, thanks” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say “I do” and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said “you came!”. She said “thanks” and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my “best friend”. At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn’t notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love him but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too…` I thought to my self, and I cried.

Favorite Quote by unknown

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, “did ya see that?” No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”… Didn’t give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came, would I be standing here???